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Breathe Deep, Be Brave

Understanding Fear in Yourself and Others

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As I get older, I’ve come to realize how much people operate from a space of fear. People use fear as a reason to protect themselves from being hurt and as a way to keep from moving forward. While everyone carries various levels of fear in their lives, it doesn’t have to define you.  Once you identify it, fear can become a choice. Understanding fear is the first part. Then, what you decide to do with that fear keeps you stuck or helps you move forward spiritually.

I am a big believer in the universe giving us opportunities to learn and grow as spiritual beings. The universe will keep giving you certain types of experiences until you learn to handle those situations in new ways. Often, it’s much later before you are able to look back and understand the lessons. But they are usually there if you choose to look.

Louisa May Alcott_quote_I’m not afraid of storms

Understanding Fear

There are two different types of fear to practice observing: fear that is your own and then fear that is someone else’s.

Start by taking a self-inventory. Write down the biggies, like fear of heights, fear of flying, and/or fear of public speaking.  Then commit to digging deeper. If I am really truthful with myself, here are some that are on my list:

*Fear of rejection.

*Fear of not being enough.

*Fear of being misunderstood.

*Fear of failure.

*Fear of being judged.

*Fear of not being worthy.

As you continue to write down your list, breathe deep and be brave. This is an opportunity for discovery. While you may be aware of the first few on your list, as you continue to write, you will start to go deeper and may surprise yourself with what comes up. Your initial response may be to reject some of what comes up: ”That’s not really me” or “That can’t be true.” Write everything down, no matter how surprising or painful. Some part of you deep down is wounded and needs to have a voice.

Next, take a few more breaths and then read through your list. How do you feel as you read through each fear? Note which ones are most painful. The fears that are deepest and most painful are usually your strongest triggers when life gets tough.

Quote by Thich Nhat Hanh_The Only Way to Ease Our Fear

Discover Your Triggers

What do I mean by triggers? Let’s go back to human evolution. Everyone has heard of the fight or flight response. A caveman or cavewoman is out hunting and gathering and happens upon a large predator. The predator spots them and there is a moment of immediate tension and adrenaline. The body floods both creatures with a chemistry that tells the brain it is time to fight or run like your life depends on it to safety.

Have you ever experienced the full intensity of the fight or flight response? Maybe in a true emergency, such as right before a car accident? Or in a semi-controlled environment, such as right before you leap if you’ve ever bungee jumped? Those are life-changing moments that stay with us.


And that’s the point, there are all sorts of things that stay with us in our lives. We are experiential beings. As humans evolved, we’ve learned to use aspects of the fight or flight response on a regular basis. Some experts call it the pain or pleasure principle. From the beginning, we learn what brings us pleasure and what brings us pain. Our evolutionary programming jumps into gear to help us try and avoid anything that brings pain. Our brains store memories around painful things so that when we encounter similar situations in the future, the brain kicks in and says, “Wait! This was painful last time! Stop! Don’t go there! Beware! Be afraid!” We often bury these experiences deep and pile other examples of pain on top of them to the point where we aren’t even aware of these feelings anymore. Until something triggers the fear response again.

Like I said earlier, the universe loves to test you to try and keep you growing deeper into your spiritual self. What is the saying? We are spiritual selves having a human experience?

I was recently tested, and have been reflecting on the list of fears I noted for myself above. A person I very much respected turned on me, told me some harsh things about myself and really crossed my boundaries. What made the situation extra painful was that I did not expect it. The situation kicked up all kinds of triggers for me. Let’s just say I had to really breathe deep and be extra brave to walk through the last few weeks. I am still reflecting on some of what was said and reconciling what I experienced with who I know I am.

Learn From Your Triggers

So that’s the next part of the lesson: be aware when something triggers you. If you are truly aware when it is happening, then you can choose how you will react. When you find yourself in a situation where you feel afraid, you can choose whether to proceed or hold back. When someone provokes you into an argument, you can choose to participate or not. You can hear what is being said and decide if it has merit or not. You can choose to defend yourself or just watch the other person go into a dither without having to lose your power. Some situations are just about unavoidable. However, you can control much of it by being proactive instead of reactive.

I don't let go of my thoughts_quote by Byron Katie

When you look back at the situation, figure out what you can learn. What triggers came up? How did you handle the situation? What did you do poorly? What can you improve upon next time you are in a similar predicament? If you were triggered by another person, is there merit to anything they were saying? Or were they just coming from a place of their own fear?

Dealing With Other People’s Fears

So now we’ve come to the other type of fear that is worth observing- other people’s fears. As humans, we tend to be quick to point out things in other people. And we can often be mean about it, focusing on where we think other people are falling short, instead of building them up. For most of us, it takes practice to be positive and find the good in each other.

People act out, say negative things, become competitive or behave passive-aggressively when they are coming from a place of fear. Part of them is frightened that there isn’t enough___ (fill in the blank- love, power, money, basic resources, etc.) to go around.

Knowing people are coming from a place of fear gives you the opportunity to step back and breathe in the moment of intensity. It’s hard to do and takes practice.

Sometimes people need to be heard and it’s best to let them vent. Knowing that they are coming from fear and pain, gives you the option to have empathy towards that person. If the situation becomes personal, you have the option of defending yourself (which often doesn’t work in the heat of the moment) or telling the person, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” By using this phrase you acknowledge what they are saying but you don’t lose your power. It’s a neutral phrase, so practice keeping the energy neutral as you say it.

You can also always breathe, ground yourself and then choose to remove yourself from the situation. There’s no reason you need to stand there and take it. That doesn’t mean you have to go storming off. It’s usually best to just quietly announce that the situation has become heated and you are leaving now but are willing to readdress the issue when things are calmer. Sometimes you do have to be firm with the other person and tell them you need some space to think, then do what you need to do to take it.

Understanding Fear as a Mirror

Another thing you may notice is that people often point out in others things that mirror places of pain within themselves. It’s so much easier to point to people and say what their faults are than look within and take true inventory of ourselves. The universe surrounds us with people we can learn from, and the closer the relationship, the more reflective they can be. In other words, those close relationships will often trigger things within you until you choose to learn and grow. Knowing this gives you power to handle things better in your life.

Eleanor Roosevelt Quote_The purpose of life

When you are in a quiet space, think about what the other person said in the heat of the moment or complains about in less heated times. It may be comments about you, someone else, or just in general. First, if directed at you, see if there is any merit to the words and if there is anything you can do to improve yourself. Now reflect on the person who said them. Why are these points of pain for that person? What can you do to acknowledge and support their points of pain and help them to grow through them?

However, you have to tread very carefully here. Just because you are aware of the patterns doesn’t mean the other person is aware or willing to work on things. Timing is everything. And you don’t want to enable them. You CAN’T FIX the other person. But you can be gentle and have empathy for where that person is at in their lives. And you can always work on yourself.

At a quiet, neutral time, you can try saying something like, “The other day you seemed very upset about ____. Is there anything I can do to help you feel more supported? I just want you to know you are not alone.” If the other person triggers and immediately gets angry, you’ll know they are not ready to acknowledge their pain and fear yet. Sometimes people will want to talk about what happened and your acknowledgment will provide an opportunity for healing and forgiveness.

Understanding Fear Changes Your Life

While you can never completely overcome fear in your life, you can learn to recognize it in yourself and others. Recognizing that you or someone else is operating from a place of fear gives you the power of choice in any given moment. Fear can hold you back, but choice can propel you forward. Fear gives you many opportunities to grow as a spiritual being and have empathy towards others. The next time fear enters your life, I encourage you to breathe deep and be brave. You may surprise yourself what you learn.

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Lessons I Have Learned From Being a Country Mouse, City Mouse and Suburban Mouse

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Being a Country Mouse_City Mouse_Suburban Mouse

I consider myself very fortunate to have grown up as a country kid in the gorgeous Finger Lakes Region of Central New York State. It’s probably why I have such a bohemian lifestyle now. If you’ve never been to the Finger Lakes, it’s a mostly rural part of the state filled with 10 long lakes that look like fingers. The lakes are surrounded by rolling hills containing hundreds of wineries, bed-and-breakfasts, farms, orchards, gorges, waterfalls and picturesque little towns filled with restaurants, shops, colleges, and museums. Not far away, you will also find the cities of Syracuse, Rochester, and Buffalo, the remnants of the famous Erie Canal, Lake Ontario to the North, Lake Erie to the West. And of course, Niagara Falls and Canada are nearby.

Fingerlakes Skaneateles Lake Winter Sunset
Winter Sunset, Skaneateles, NY in the Fingerlakes Region

Growing Up as a Country Mouse

Growing up, we lived in the middle of nowhere on ten acres of land surrounded by fields and woods. We had an incredible view of the surrounding hills. My dad always wanted to try farming as a hobby, so he planted a huge garden and as well as an orchard of over 500 apple trees. We made our own Maple Syrup in Winter. We ice skated on frozen ponds. My folks even caved and let us get horses, rabbits, cats and a dog. My childhood was pretty idyllic.

White Rabbit and Karen McMahon in the 1980s.
I am about 8 in this picture.

Over the years, I have lived in the country, in cities, and in suburbia, as well as traveled extensively around the U.S. Living in the country is by far my favorite. However, each place I have resided in has given me lessons, memories, and insight.

Living in the City

Most people have no idea, but my parents grew up in the Bronx, so the vibe of New York City is quite ingrained in me. We have had ancestors living in New York City since the early 1700s. Yes, pre-revolutionary times! So there’s some definite culture that has been passed down through the generations.

While I have never lived in New York City, we certainly visited often while I was a kid. I feel at one with the essence of New York as soon as I set foot in Manhattan. I love talking to my parents about their memories of growing up in the city in the 1930s through 1950s, and their many visits in the 1960s through 1990s. By the 1970s, they had my sister and I in tow, and we often visited the city for my Birthday over Memorial Day Weekend. I have many happy memories visiting the Bronx Zoo, The Metropolitan Museum of Art and the American Museum of Natural History, wandering through Macy’s, and sitting in Central Park. I remember my fascination with all of the tall buildings, the taxis everywhere, Grand Central Station, the Subways and the general intense hustle and bustle of the city.

Times Square NYC
Times Square, New York City

I did choose to go to college in an urban setting and lived in Troy, NY. My first job in state politics took me on a daily commute into Albany, NY. I remember at first wondering if I would ever get used to the constant drumming noises of city life. Even at night, I could still hear the sounds of the highway nearby, police sirens, and sometimes gunshots (the neighborhood was not the safest). And of course, I lived near the path where drunken students loudly stumbled home from the local bars in the wee hours.

I learned how to use the bus system to commute. It was often simpler than hiking the several blocks to my car and then trying to find parking at the other end when I got to work. I even remember the smell of the pollution coming from the buses, trucks and all those cars on the streets and highways.

While I eventually became comfortable with city living, it was a far cry from the way I grew up out in the country! It took some adjustment time. My dorm room looked out onto a historic park across the street. I was forever thankful to look out on those trees and paths and set foot in the park on the way to professors’ offices. I think even then, I longed for open space.

Living in Suburbia

When I met and married my husband, we bought a house in suburbia. At the time, we had a thriving family business and we were traveling regularly. So my criteria were that the house was 1. Comfortable and cushy; 2. In an area where we could easily sell if we needed to move elsewhere for work; and 3. CLOSE to the airport because my father-in-law always insisted on booking us on the early flights. (We manifested all three including being only 15 minutes from the airport).

While our home and neighborhood are very lovely, I started calling our location “Suburban Hell” and “Anywhere U.S.” I have come to the conclusion that I prefer either living in a city or living in the country. I just don’t care for the in-between of suburban living.

It’s been hard to identify why my soul is just not completely relaxed here. I think in a city, there is constant noise which creates a particular on-going rhythm. In suburbia, the neighborhoods have a look like we are living in a community, but after 16 years, we only know a handful of the several hundred neighbors in our development. I am also very energetically sensitive to the world, so my higher self-tunes into the shutting of car doors, conversations or arguments of people walking by, vehicles coming and going, lawn mowers, phones ringing, dogs barking, etc. For me, the noises and movements are just separate enough to be distracting and energy draining.


Becoming a Country Mouse Again

That being said, we are considering moving into the country again. My husband, Al, grew up in the mountains of Northern Pennsylvania and remembers many hours of happily playing in the woods with his brothers and friends. He always feels a sense of peace when he visits his childhood town and the surrounding mountains. That’s how I feel too when we walk around my parents’ property.

Central_New_York_Fingerlakes_View
The view where I grew up.

We are casually starting to look for a new home on the other side of Syracuse from where we are now. We have our eyes peeled for a house that has personality and is surrounded by a chunk of land. We are hoping for minimal neighbors, a very private yard, and land ideally consisting of woods or fields.

And of course, we would love a view of the rolling hills found in the region. Central New York sunsets can be amazing! I think more than anything, I am hoping for true soul-deep peace and quiet around me. And I know that I am most happy when I can set my feet on grass, be surrounded by old trees and breathe in fresh air. (Can you tell I am an introvert?)

While my husband keeps asking whether I want to own horses again (probably not for the sheer amount of work involved), I am very thankful for the experience our parents gave us to appreciate our wide-open surroundings. Life is short and it is important to live where your soul is most happy.


5 Ways to Make Someone’s Day

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This week unexpectedly turned into a “life lessons” week. The most important part reminded me of how nice it is to make someone’s day.

Today I met Sandy. She was on her way out of the bank as I was on my way in.

I was on a mission. It was 95 degrees out. I had a million errands to get done in the next hour. I was focused on movement- getting things done as quickly as I could without melting from the heat.

Sandy (I didn’t know her name at the time) smiled at me on the sidewalk as we passed. I half smirked back bee-lining for the door. Then I nearly jumped out of my skin as Sandy literally yelled at me, “I see the start of that smile! I see your dimples!”

Yikes! That brought me back to the moment. Being an introvert, someone so outgoing would have intimidated me a few years ago. But now I was just intrigued. So a little less loudly, I responded, “I see you smiling too.”

Cherish Each Day_5 Ways to Make Someone's Day_

And that’s how we ended up having a random conversation for the next ten minutes. So much for my schedule. So much for racing to get out of the heat. I just wanted to know how someone so outgoing ticks.

Sandy said that she makes it her life mission to make as many people around her smile as possible. She said life is too short not to enjoy each and every day and she likes to remind people of this lesson. Wow!

I then asked her what makes her smile. She said her dog and her husband. She proceeded to tell me a wonderful story about being an only child and how the boys in her neighborhood adopted her as their little sister. After many adventures, one of those boys grew up to fall in love with her and they’ve been married ever since. And she told me about how proud she was of her son, who apparently grew up to have the same outgoing personality as Sandy.

My random encounter with Sandy was priceless to me.

Live in the Moment_5 Ways to Make Someone's Day_

Here are some things we can all learn from Sandy:

1. Make Someone’s Day.
It takes only seconds to make eye contact with people around you and smile at them. To hold a door for someone. To say hello to a store clerk and ask them how their day is going. To compliment someone on their hair or dress or ring they are wearing. People feel happier when they are noticed. Plus you receive positive energy from the exchange.

2. Be Present.
It’s so easy to be thinking about the next 20 things you have to get done this week and stress yourself out. Remind yourself to breathe and try to focus on that which is right in front of you.

3. Appreciate Your Life.
Life is short! In Sandy’s words, “You don’t know if you’ll be here tomorrow, so you might as well enjoy today!” Bring your attention to all the good things in your life. Surround yourself with loving people.

4. Laugh a Little More.
Perspective is everything. How much easier is your day when you are in a good mood and can laugh at the little things? Sometimes it takes practice. Eventually, you may find you can laugh at some of the big things life throws at you too.

5. Spread Love.
Everyone wants to feel loved and acknowledged. It’s human nature. However, to feel more love, you often have to give more love. Random acts of kindness are a great way to practice this.

I encourage you to go out today and make someone’s day. You may surprise yourself by finding out how much fun you will have in the process.